When
last we left our heroine, Diane Dean-Epps, she had convinced herself she had
found her “forever job” at a large, healthcare conglomerate. (We’re not going
to lie. We got the betting pool going immediately. This teacher, writer, stand-up
comedian has always been irreverent, and somewhat delusional in a good way, but
going corporate? That’s comedic gold right there. And, interestingly enough, “gold”
in the monetary sense as our lucky winner who bet Diane would last three months
is now TWENTY DOLLARS richer! Let’s return to our story, shall we?)
Diane
wasn’t sure what excited her the most when contemplating her corporate turn,
but here are the top 10 things she gushed about when her friends asked her
aghast, “You’re going to commute an hour and a half --one way – five days a
week, to an insurance company job, sit in a cubicle, and only do what you’re
told?” Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
TOP TEN LIST OF
SELF-DELUSIONAL BENEFITS
(Diane’s
comment IS FIRST FOLLOWED BY THE parenthetical, pithy asides OF an anonymous omniscient
narrator.)
1. The healthcare
benefits are amazing! I even get a second pair of glasses for free. (Liner
note: Diane only wears glasses for night driving, and Kentucky Derby horse race
viewing. Limited value.)
2. They have a
healthcare initiative that could pay me $5,000 for just working out, eating
right, and filling out 5,000 questionnaires. (Let’s do the math on this one.
That’s about a dollar a questionnaire, plus the chance of winning these monies
when there are 2,500 employees at this organization is about a 1 in 2,500
chance. Negligible value.)
3. They have an outdoor fountain.
(And ALL of the fountains everywhere else, including the mall, are not enough?)
4. They have a café that
serves yummy food. (And ALL of the cafés everywhere else, including the mall,
are not enough?)
5. I’ll get to know tons
of people, and I’ll have a team that will be my instant friends. (Someone
forgot to inform the team of that fact, and as far as the “tons of people”
knowing. That takes tons of time, and you don’t know this – but now you do –
but we’re betting “tons of time” equals three months.
6. I’ll be busy,
engaged, and purpose-driven. (That will probably translate to “running around uncertainly,
forced to attend meaningless meetings, and told what to think.”)
7. I’ll be helping
people. (If by “people” you mean the board of directors, and managers for whom
you make money, then we’ll give you that one.)
8. I know I’m in a
cubicle, but it’s cozy, and whenever I want to get up, I can leave, and work in
a different spot. (So, you’re enjoying the benefits of being an American with
the rich history of freedom to choose where you breathe? Okay, we’ll give you
that one too.)
9. My manager says she
excited to work with an experienced person like me, and she’ll help me every
step of the way in learning the healthcare business. (So, you’ve got a
micromanaging manager who believes in you, but should someone else higher up
not share her excitement about your potential, you’re vulnerable to being
invited to take that experience elsewhere? Huh. Can we talk about this?)
10.
I’ve
got incredible support. The two managers who hired me totally apologized for my
meetings with the higher up manager who yells at me repeatedly, “What’s your
strategy?” almost as much as he asserts my 20+ years of marketing/communications
experience doesn’t take the place of my lack of healthcare experience. What a
relief I felt when my managers told me I won’t even have direct contact with him,
and he doesn’t really know what we do. (Did anyone else just hear “duhn, duhn,
duhn” music in the background?)
So,
after gushingly telling us all was well, even though we saw that shar pei look
right around her eyebrows denoting she really didn’t even believe herself, our
heroine tells us she has an update. After yet another meeting in a series of 12
since the day the new higher up manager took over when BOTH managers left, she’s
experienced an epiphany of mammoth proportions: The insurance company gig is a “no
fit, no go, no way, never again” deal. We dance with joy as we watch our
heroine truly accept who she is and, more importantly, who she is not.
Cue
music: The Allman Brothers Band, (I’m Not Your) Whipping Post. [Insert “job” for “woman” and “job” for “she” and “the
job” for “you,” and that’s about right.]
LINK TO
VIDEO:
There
should be no more episodes of the “Square Peg, Round Hole” episodes, but rather
join us for the “I’m sassy, and I know it, so clap YOUR hands!!!” launch.
