Thursday, November 25, 2010

RE: (Humor) Drive in, commentary via my own special brand of " logic"

Drive-In Drive-Through

In my pursuit of the American dream of instant gratification, during which time I hit the drive-through 2.4 times a week with my 2.4 children, I’ve noticed some alarming trends I’d like to discuss with you.
The first trend of note is the line of questioning currently being used as we frequent the fine fast food establishments that dot our great American landscape, the primary offender being: Will you be eating that in your car?
As opposed to what? In someone else’s car? In a hotel room? In the bushes that run parallel to the drive-through lane?
In view of this disturbing questioning movement, I think we can all agree that we’ll need to keep an eye on the situation and, not to be a killjoy or anything, but there’s more.
Even more disturbing is the fact that I’m being forced to take the Nestea plunge, quite frankly, many, many more times than I care to. I’ve tried to alleviate this happenstance by asking a seemingly simple question but, as you are aware, drive-through establishments are not known for their Dolby, high-quality sound systems, so my, “Is the iced tea brewed?” question, I am told, sounds just like, “Is there iced tea, dude?”
This is when I receive a positive response, netting me a drink testing positive for instant tea status, leading to an unhappy interlude when I utter unladylike sounds like, “Urgh, blech, pooey,” as well as using ultra unladylike language.
As I’m driving away, sucking down a huge mouthful of what should be icy, caffeinated, teabag-utilizing liquid goodness, I’m instead chewing chunks of powder. I want you to know that I do understand the dichotomy that is my lack of desire for instant tea at a fast food business, but I don’t care. I likes what I likes.
The third thing I’ve witnessed as I’ve traversed this fine country of ours seeking sustenance is when ordering a simple item, such as a beverage, I am queried as to whether I would like a hamburger and fries with that. This, as though I’m so dense I could have forgotten I was hungry, though I remember being thirsty. When is the last time you said to yourself, “I think I’ll go pick-up a diet cola,” and then you get to your favorite fast food purveyor, you smell, say, pizza and decide you’re hungry? Oh, okay, well, you know what. I may have to give that one over.
The fourth one is not so much about the fast food folks, but about those who utilize these mini-roads to quick nourishment. Has anyone else noticed an increase in the alarming trend that is trucks powering into the drive-through with dogs in the back? What’s the problem, you ask?
As I see it, the trouble with taking your dog through the drive-through is that you’re imposing friendliness upon the driver behind you. This poor sap has embarked upon a solitary venture, enjoying some “me” time and then there’s your adorable critter, complete with wagging tail and pleading eyes.
In my case, this is quite a nuisance because I then commence with my, “Oh my heavens, look at how cute that dog is,” waving, smiling and carrying on sequence, as though I’m a pet sitting candidate.
I can’t seem to help myself. I see that precious, perennially hungry, furry creature and it’s all I can do to grab my hand and say, “Down!” I don’t mind telling you this has gotten me into a bit of a sticky wicket a time or two, mainly because the owner thinks I’m telling her dog to get down, leading to some spirited discussions in the drive-through and at the local sheriff’s office.
Ah, well, I must admit, just writing about these troubling social issues has made me feel better. Instantly.

Monday, November 8, 2010

RE: (Humor) Who You Calling a Heifer?...catalogs are a perennial source of amusement...

Who You Calling a Heifer?

Heifers for the Holidays. It sounds like a “Jeopardy” category, doesn't it? “Heifers for the Holidays, for five hundred dollars, Alex.”

Until I became familiar with the organization that offers this program and how valuable it is, I was rather bemused to receive a catalog in the mail illustrated by what looks to be a woolly lamb with the words, Heifer International, emblazoned on the cover. I looked around to see if there were any cameras visible, it was such a laughable moment.

Having recently received the special “Holiday Edition” of this fine publication, I'm viewing an entirely different world than I've ever seen before. I have no reason to doubt their claim that this is, “The Most Important Gift Catalog in The World” is true, but what bothers me is WHY me? I do knit quite a bit, so I'm wondering if it's aimed at providing me with a direct supplier for yarn byproduct.

These days I am rather concerned that my mail has sunk to a new low. While I often grouse about junk mail, direct mail, and unsolicited mail, the latest is that I am receiving a plethora of catalogs which I have no recollection of requesting. It's bad enough that Victoria wants to tell me her secret or that Frederick encourages me to see what's up in Hollywood, but I find the latest animal kingdom offering to be just as much out of my league. Or out of my barnyard.

Upon opening the delightfully festooned red catalog I learned there are, indeed, “four easy ways to place my tax-deductible gift order.” Oh, good, because I hate it when I can't claim my livestock credit on my income taxes. Most entities request money for undisclosed reasons, sent to undisclosed people in undisclosed regions. Not so for Heifer International because for over half a century, HI has provided livestock and training to more than four million families around the world and they show you the “who” and “what” of it right there in the photo album that is their catalog. Won't my family be proud to count itself as number four million and one?

The festive campaign, Heifers for the Holidays, offers some fine choices: You can bestow the gift of an entire heifer for a mere five hundred bucks or you can share a heifer at the reduced rate of fifty bucks. (I want the drumstick! Whoops, nope, wrong beast of non-burden).

There are also the following gift options, featuring a veritable animal variety pack: The gift of a goat, which goes on the open market for $120, but you can share it with your friends for a sawbuck or spring for an entire pig which is a squeal of a deal at the same rate as the goat. On the subject of potential bacon and their needs, “pigs need little land and can eat crop and garden scraps.” This is good to know if pig sustenance is an issue for you.

While sheep are “shear joy” as the literature proclaims, $60 gets you a trio of rabbits which is the best bang for your buck, although bucks are not for sale. We all know it only takes two appropriately gendered rabbits to grow this particular investment. The finest deal is a flock of chicks for a twenty spot. By the way, they are a flock and not a gaggle, like geese.

Heifer International will also throw in bees, llamas, or a water buffalo for the hard-to-buy-for-person who has every creature. I just hope these are separate shipments.There's even a testimonial on the back, which is a fine propaganda tool, by a young woman named Beatrice who is seen feeding her seemingly content goat. She proclaims the day she received her goat, “It was the best day in my life.”

Just like the day I received this catalog.

(Please note: No animals were harmed in the writing of this column.)