Saturday, August 16, 2014

TuTu NoNo

TuTu No No

I’m not a giver-upper.  At no time in my life has that become more apparent than since I attained true societal maturity in my “over 40 and working out to look good in clothes” period of my life. 

This summer I decided to try something I said I would never do:  Buy a one-piece bathing suit.  This came about because we are setting forth on a one-eth by land vacation that will end two-eth by sea.  (In this instance the sea is a lake.) 

In less than a week we will be boating, frolicking, and hanging around the aforementioned lake with people who do not wear glasses.  Therefore, I can only assume they have perfect vision that sees all, including cellulite unlike my near-sighted family members who do not think I’ve changed a bit.  (And now that I think about it, that comment might be somewhat offensive taken a different way.) 

I’m not looking for anything near bikini-ready status in life, but sheesh can I at least cavort around in a water-friendly garment that does not make me look as though I am trying to find the rest of my rhinoceros tribe?  (Appropriately enough a group of them are called a “crash.”  I could write a whole column on just that fact.) 

My thinking was marginally reasonable and running along the lines thinking if I didn't cheap out I might have a prayer of finding a one-piece that won’t scream, “Look away!  My body isn’t perfect and I’m not even trying!  I’m hot-in-a--purely-temperature way!”   

Thus, I set a course for Macy’s which often serves as my destination for almost any garment, one-piece bathing suits now being included. 

Oh, the humanity. I do not know what designers think baby boomer women are looking for in a one-piece bathing suit, but I can assure you it is not a regression to our toddler years.  Case in point?  Tutu skirts on bathing suits.

Is anybody fooled by what these tributes to bygone ballerina dream-fueled years are hiding, e.g., meaty thighs and birthing bellies? Tutus usually conjure up images of lithe creatures defying gravity as they leap through the air landing gracefully in a vertical and numerical position.   

The second option?  Skater skirts! Take it from me Project Runway-in-training-designers.   Skater skirts are not a successful diversionary tactic.  They don’t even come close to creating an optical illusion either.  I mean, really. While I do enjoy watching ice skating, I've never hankered to don the costume.  I didn’t ice skate in my youth and I don’t want to look as though I’ve taken up the sport later in life in an effort to utilize my health insurance to its fullest capacity.  

And the other dastardly designs?  They include the beach burka which boasts yards of jersey body clinging material  swooping this way and that.

As I flipped through these rack-dwelling monstrosities I discovered the sailor suits set to fashion stun?  What cruel fashion matron thought it would be a good idea to create that number in adult woman sizes that make it look as though I'm doing a fashion shoot for the Atlantic City Boardwalk circa 1910.  And the prices.  Almost a hundred dollars...on sale! 

I have decided I will do exactly what I did as a self-conscious teenager back when I HAD that gorgeous body that I was too shy to flaunt; I will wear my jean shorts and a tee-shirt.  

Isn’t life just one big driving donut whirling us all the way around into a dizzying 360?  One way or another we end up right back where we started.