Friday, June 24, 2011

RE: 'Tis the Season for Fitness Humor...It's Not that It's NOT Time to Get Fit

The Not Not List…10 Reasons to Not Not Be Fit

I love lists, don’t you? I’m thrilled by the power that surges through me as I check-off one nagging task after another, watching my chores dwindle from countless to count ‘em down.

Daily, I leave brightly colored pieces of paper in my wake with “To Do” emblazoned on the top of the page, heading up the most scintillating tasks known to woman; buy cat food, make bank deposit, acquire drain unclogging liquid, and “Be Here Now.”

Everything from menial tasks to mantras of inspiration are reflected on these shreds of paper which also document my hobby of running hither and thither.

In a nod to my love of lists and humor applied to just about anything, including fitness and test taking experiences of all things, I’ve created this particular “Not Not” list.

The general provenance of “Not Not” lists comes by way of my experiences as an adolescent student when I navigated countless test questions that ended with: “Which of the following answers do not best describe…”

These drove me crazy because I spent my entire educational career matriculating toward the right answers, so why on earth were the blasted test makers having us identify the wrong answers? I swear I heard electricity in my brain whenever I was presented with this ilk of examination.

(Also, truth be told, I’m also somewhat of a closet “knock, knock” joke fan, so “Not Not” is designed to sound like that classic joke set-up.)

The “Not Not” is not just for lists either. The reference can also work as a conversational gambit, such as when folks ask you for money.

“It’s not that I’m not interested in donating to your organization.” This leaves them confused and you off the hook.

In honor of the fact that summer seems to have finally arrived and with it the moment of truth that is, “Oh, no, my traditional build does not bode well for swimsuit season,” I will address the topic of fitness.

Even now, as I skim the aisles for a beach burka that will highlight the parts of my body that actually do illustrate the fact that I work out, I have come face-to-face with that never fun, always true revelation – I’ve got to stop eating the wrong things.

Since I will not be spending my summer stuffing my piehole with pie I must stuff my mind with humor, so here is a Low-Cal helping.Ten Reasons to Not Not Be Fit:

1. During the parent-teacher conference you’ll be able to avoid that cursed excuse, “Oh, no I’m not stuck in the chair, I’ve just got a kink in my leg” when trying to escape the student chair that has you wrapped like a human burrito;

2. Not having to assert that you’re big-boned and from hardy stock when you’re 5’2,” wear a size five shoe and you hail from people who paid people who were of hardy stock to do things that your decidedly non-hardy clan couldn’t;

3. Once and for all you can put an end to those “Red Rover” flashbacks from childhood when you simply couldn’t make it over;

4. You will no longer have to make excuses for your “does not play well with others” metabolism that always seem to include the words “thyroid,” “medication” and “mumu”;

5. Squeaking furniture will no longer sound accusatory;

6. Driving up hills won’t wear you out;

7. You can postpone the improvement of your personality, instead drafting off of the fact that your fit body will encourage more looking than talking;

8. You will no longer need to generate fantastical stories like, “I’m in the witness protection program” to justify your NO PICTURES policy;

9. You’ll be able to quit saying, “This runs small,” even when you’re talking about jewelry;

10. When others say they need to get fit, you’ll just smile, flex your new muscles, and mentally cross this one off your To Do list.

No comments:

Post a Comment