Saturday, October 1, 2011

RE: (Humor)...ere's (ears) a little column about fitness "Sometimes It's Just Too EAR-LY"

Sometimes It’s Just Too EAR-LY

I “treat myself” to daily exercise and, oddly enough, I really do enjoy it, never considering it torture or anything negative. Until I attach technology to it.

At this juncture let us start the clock.

8:01 a.m.

I head over to the fitness center.

8:02 a.m.
But, alas, poor Yorick, this particular morning it got ugly immediately. Essentially, because my keen observational skills led me to note a couple of integral items absent from their usual spot in my rolling locker, known as a car.

Not only was my water bottle missing in action, but so were the ear buds that go with my iPod. I absolutely cannot gallop on the treadmill sans music.

8:22 a.m.
Being a somewhat resourceful woman, with cash in her change tray, off I went to purchase my auditory accessory.

8:32 a.m.
Arriving at my health club, new headphones at the ready, I hop onto the treadmill. With my keen investigational skills I notice straight away that something is awry.
The wires are quite tangled up. No problem. I can take care of that in under three minutes, leaving plenty of time before my looming 10:00 a.m. dental appointment.

8:42 a.m.
All right, so that wasn’t my personal untangling best. I’m ready now. I’ve even tucked a tissue into my pants, just in case. (It’s best not to ask, “Just in case what?”)
I swig down some water to quench the thirst I’ve developed as a result of my exhausting trek from the parking lot. Here we go.

8:50 a.m.
I’m into the zone for about eight minutes, burning enough calories to enable me to eat a lemon juice enhanced green salad for dinner. Now it’s time to access that motivational music. Let’s insert those ear buds.

8:51 a.m.
This is when I notice that one of those black cover thingies is missing in action. No biggie. I’ll just wear them anyway. (In about a minute it will become clear why these items are crucial.)

8:52 a.m.
I cannot get the danged things in, but I doggedly attempt to retain some semblance of a fast walk. I have now logged in approximately 8 minutes of exercise time.

8:59 a.m.
I am convinced I have punctured my left ear drum as I repeatedly insert and re-insert the ear bud without the cover. Contrary to what the manufacturer may have claimed, shoving the equivalent of a rubber Q-tip into the ear is not well-received by the ear.

9:06 a.m.
I spend the next 7 minutes playing around with these minuscule instruments of torture as I attempt to remember the reason I’m here; to work out my body, not my ear canals.

9:22 a.m.
“Viola!” They’re in! I am 16 minutes into the apex of this session when I realize I’ve got music pumping into my cranium at an insanity-inducing volume. The tunes are reverberating around the walls of my mind, the resultant effect being a tad bit disorienting. I need to adjust the volume or my ear canal is going to invert itself and jump out of my head.

9:23 a.m.
I struggle to maintain my stride, noting that I am almost out of time as I am perilously close to the 30-minute limit imposed by the club.

9:30 a.m.
I’m so nervous about getting kicked off the machine that I accidentally hit the cool down button. I act as though I meant to do it and bellow, “Whew!” just in case anyone is watching and rating my level of work-out intensity.

9:31 a.m.
Knowing I have barely enough time to get my heart rate up, I hit “quick work-out,” but for some reason I get diverted. That’s when I make a rookie error and bend over to take a look at my shoelaces.

9:35 a.m.
I knock the buds right out of my ear sockets and in trying to catch them I come close to pulling my knee out of its socket.

9:37 a.m.
Another couple of minutes elapse as I assess my patella for potential damage, sidling through the rest of what is now my second cool down. Dismounting I feel the white hot glare of waiting members upon me which causes me to finally break into a sweat.

9:38 a.m.
I limp over to the free weights where others are hard at work grunting, sweating, straining, and flexing. The more talented patrons accomplish this all at the same time.
As I belly up to the weight bar I overhear a woman saying she wished she had music because it makes the time go by so much faster.

They really should sell headphones in six-packs.

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