Saturday, April 7, 2012

RE: MS-WRITE NOW (Humor) Batteries Not Included (Rated AAA)

Batteries Not Included (Rated AAA)
I’m staring at my non-functioning flashlight for the fourth time in as many months, wondering why I never seem able to get ahead on this whole stocking up on batteries deal.

So, how about if we talk about batteries for a few minutes?

Now, I don’t want to lead you astray and make you think this is one of those naughty columns that will get you all hot and bothered. My suppositions are usually bookended between “information” and “How weird is that?” Pretty tame stuff.

I engage in these combination observational/query-ational activities mainly because it beats doing all of the things I should be doing like paying bills, making money to pay bills, or making sure I don’t make more bills.

Now, lest your mind go somewhere a wee bit too kinky we’re just discussing batteries here. That’s all. No double entendres, no hyperlinks to some sort of We-Are-Waiting-To-Turn-You-On dot com website.

I’ve been thinking about the kinds of batteries we need and why do we need more than one size? All right. You know what? I’ll give that one to you.

When I began this piece I knew I would run the risk of turning out a piece of writing that was filled with innuendo, allusion and insinuation, but I can see I had no reason for concern. I think this is going really well so far because we have a great opportunity for discussion and scrutiny. (Hey, is it just me or does that word, “scrutiny” just look nasty, like the word “moist?”)

I know it may seem I’ve wandered off topic, but I think I can get us back on track by addressing the whole size issue.

It seems like the larger they are the more of them you need. We are really going to have to fight the urge to yodel out, “That’s what she said!” at this juncture, aren’t we?

Again, I’m talking about batteries. Help me out. Let’s concentrate, shall we?

Why is it that the whole battery lettering series thing begins with an “A,” followed by “AA,” and an ensuing “AAA?”

Was the first “A” battery so positively received by the masses that a stuttering “A” system was introduced launching into “AA” and “AAA?”

Quite frankly, I don’t get the battery lettering logic at all. I mean, would it have sounded any odder to query with, “Do we have any B’s?” rather than inquiring, “Got a “triple A?” Was the originator of this clever system afraid that we would ask for bees and then we would be chased by them when others misunderstood and presented us with honey bees?

Or maybe there was a first Inventor Type who decided not to mess with a good thing, but then along came Inventor Type Number Two who might have asserted, “Hey, dumb bunny (this is thrown in as a nod to Easter weekend when I’m posting this), you need to move along the alphabet scale! Pick another letter and it doesn’t have to be a vowel.”

That’s when the battery folks must have added the “C” and “D” batteries into the series.

(I'm guessing that, subsequently, Inventor Type Number One began working on the educational grading system of A’s, B’s, C’s, D’s, oops E’s sound weird, we’ll go with “F’s.”)

Couldn’t the bra lettering lady have helped this industry out, assuring them that the consumer really could handle consecutive lettering? Therefore, you can actually begin with the first letter of the alphabet and still experience the fun of double and triple lettering; therefore, preserving your ability to expand into 25 other available letters. (Or if you don’t use all of the other letters, then don't skip any letters.)

And while we’re on this subject, why do we need more of the larger ones which, let’s be honest, are terrible in the endurance department? Uh-oh. Out of context I can certainly see what type of message this might be sending. Not exactly the one I intended.

Boy, is it just me, or is this whole double entendre thing getting worse? Let me try again.

Think functionality. Think weather. Stormy, unpredictable, tempestuous and steamy weather that makes the power go out. Focus! That’s when you require a flashlight in order to see, don't you?

Unfortunately, power outages mean darkness and so you must feel your way toward the desk where you keep the batteries. You then play the drawer version of hide and go seek, searching for those slick, solid, cylindrical cartridges…batteries.

You know, this trying not to be suggestive thing may be a lost cause. We can all agree I was never able to get the whole thing up and running, so I’ll just cut to the chase and be done with it.

Plugging things in is so much better.

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