RE: MS-WRITE NOW (Humor) Batteries Not Included (Rated AAA)

Batteries Not Included (Rated AAA)
I’m staring at my non-functioning flashlight for the fourth time in as many months, wondering why I never seem able to get ahead on this whole stocking up on batteries deal.

So, how about if we talk about batteries for a few minutes?

Now, I don’t want to lead you astray and make you think this is one of those naughty columns that will get you all hot and bothered. My suppositions are usually bookended between “information” and “How weird is that?” Pretty tame stuff.

I engage in these combination observational/query-ational activities mainly because it beats doing all of the things I should be doing like paying bills, making money to pay bills, or making sure I don’t make more bills.

Now, lest your mind go somewhere a wee bit too kinky we’re just discussing batteries here. That’s all. No double entendres, no hyperlinks to some sort of We-Are-Waiting-To-Turn-You-On dot com website.

I’ve been thinking about the kinds of batteries we need and why do we need more than one size? All right. You know what? I’ll give that one to you.

When I began this piece I knew I would run the risk of turning out a piece of writing that was filled with innuendo, allusion and insinuation, but I can see I had no reason for concern. I think this is going really well so far because we have a great opportunity for discussion and scrutiny. (Hey, is it just me or does that word, “scrutiny” just look nasty, like the word “moist?”)

I know it may seem I’ve wandered off topic, but I think I can get us back on track by addressing the whole size issue.

It seems like the larger they are the more of them you need. We are really going to have to fight the urge to yodel out, “That’s what she said!” at this juncture, aren’t we?

Again, I’m talking about batteries. Help me out. Let’s concentrate, shall we?

Why is it that the whole battery lettering series thing begins with an “A,” followed by “AA,” and an ensuing “AAA?”

Was the first “A” battery so positively received by the masses that a stuttering “A” system was introduced launching into “AA” and “AAA?”

Quite frankly, I don’t get the battery lettering logic at all. I mean, would it have sounded any odder to query with, “Do we have any B’s?” rather than inquiring, “Got a “triple A?” Was the originator of this clever system afraid that we would ask for bees and then we would be chased by them when others misunderstood and presented us with honey bees?

Or maybe there was a first Inventor Type who decided not to mess with a good thing, but then along came Inventor Type Number Two who might have asserted, “Hey, dumb bunny (this is thrown in as a nod to Easter weekend when I’m posting this), you need to move along the alphabet scale! Pick another letter and it doesn’t have to be a vowel.”

That’s when the battery folks must have added the “C” and “D” batteries into the series.

(I'm guessing that, subsequently, Inventor Type Number One began working on the educational grading system of A’s, B’s, C’s, D’s, oops E’s sound weird, we’ll go with “F’s.”)

Couldn’t the bra lettering lady have helped this industry out, assuring them that the consumer really could handle consecutive lettering? Therefore, you can actually begin with the first letter of the alphabet and still experience the fun of double and triple lettering; therefore, preserving your ability to expand into 25 other available letters. (Or if you don’t use all of the other letters, then don't skip any letters.)

And while we’re on this subject, why do we need more of the larger ones which, let’s be honest, are terrible in the endurance department? Uh-oh. Out of context I can certainly see what type of message this might be sending. Not exactly the one I intended.

Boy, is it just me, or is this whole double entendre thing getting worse? Let me try again.

Think functionality. Think weather. Stormy, unpredictable, tempestuous and steamy weather that makes the power go out. Focus! That’s when you require a flashlight in order to see, don't you?

Unfortunately, power outages mean darkness and so you must feel your way toward the desk where you keep the batteries. You then play the drawer version of hide and go seek, searching for those slick, solid, cylindrical cartridges…batteries.

You know, this trying not to be suggestive thing may be a lost cause. We can all agree I was never able to get the whole thing up and running, so I’ll just cut to the chase and be done with it.

Plugging things in is so much better.

Re: Humor Column About Facebook...Tag! You're It!

September 5, 2010

Tag! You’re It!

So, I’ve stepped in it again and this time what I mean by “it” is the ubiquitous package we call technology. Namely, the “technology” of which I speak – and I have spoken on this topic once before – is Facebook.

I possess just enough knowledge to be dangerous about a variety of things, social networking being one of these. While I’m not particularly knowledgeable about Facebook, generally, I am even less knowledgeable, specifically, about the related etiquette. Evidently.

Having said that, Facebook does make some things easier; like uploading photographs. You can upload pictures and tag them over to your friends in less time than it takes to mop the kitchen floor. While I do understand the concept that is the photographic equivalent of yelling, “You’re It!” when tagging pictures of people who are IN the images, I figured why couldn’t you expand upon that feature and transfer snapshots to interested third parties? (Don’t get ahead of me now.)

For instance, if I took a particularly stunning picture of a gal pal of mine, why wouldn’t her significant other not enjoy seeing that picture, let alone own this treasure by virtue of his Facebook account? Well, let me tell you why.

I’m sitting at my computer one morning, creating a new album and tagging away, as I slurp down my French blend cup of joe. Suddenly, my daughter materializes in my office demanding, “Did you post a picture of me on Facebook?” to which I replied, “I just did it. How in the world did you know?” as I simultaneously notice she has her cell phone in her hand.

(As an aside, another thing I learned is that you can set-up your Facebook account, so that when anyone does tag you, you will receive an immediate cell phone notification. That is some handy information to have.)

I did not sense danger and, in fact, proudly proclaimed my actions by burbling, “I did! I took these great pictures of your dad and I thought you’d get a kick out of them.” Her horrified look told the story, but it’s really only the beginning of the story because what I had entitled the album was, “Photos of My Hot Male Model.”

My daughter ran to her computer, in full damage control mode, as I struggled to keep the bile from rising as a result of what I now realized may not have been one of my swiftest moves. My offspring’s rhetorical scream of, “How could you do this to me?!” showed me the folly of my ways.

There, in glaring font, illustrated with posed pictures of her father, but appearing on her home page – and later the public newsfeed – was the album entitled, “Photos of My Hot Male Model.” Oh, no! Even I got the awkward factor on that one.

In case you don’t know this, when someone has tagged you in this way, there’s not much you can really do about it because goodness knows we tried. It’s worse than a typo in some obscure Internet posting that keeps popping up like an embarrassingly persistent former boyfriend. She posted a note of clarification on her wall, along with a public comment to me saying, “Really Mom?!” and I shamefacedly posted back that I would put myself in a corner.

The lesson on tagging someone who isn’t in the picture also applies to pointing and staring. Don’t do it, not only because it’s impolite, but these types of pursuits tend to invite the kind of attention you just can’t Face(book).