Monday, January 25, 2010

The "Not Not"'s not that it's not time to end the romance when...

The Not-Not List of the Week

January 25, 2010

Ahhhh, romance…how can one not ponder the trials and tribulations of this topic as the pounding hooves of Valentine’s Day approach and we’re bombarded with hearts on every wall of every store, chubby babies with arrows poised thusly and all manner of red and pink items enticing us to make sure we don’t forget to let our lovers know of our passion. May I say, that if it has taken these types of reminders to…well, remind us of telling the object of our desire(s) how we feel, then perhaps we have a wee bigger problem in the form of communication, rather than choosing a collective sampling of items to express that passion.

I’ve got to admit I’m a great lover of Valentine’s Day because I’m a sap, believing in “the one,” along with the fact that I just love hearts and I was one of “those” girls who drew hearts around not only the names of every guy I ever took a shine to but, heck, I drew them all over my paper just because. This brings me to the list that I’ve threatened to bring out weekly, on every manner of topic, which I call the “Not Not” List; my little form of the double negative equaling the positive. This week’s topic: R-O-M-A-N-C-E! Get it while it’s hot!

It’s NOT that it’s NOT time to end the romance when…

1. His soulful gaze of romantic intent turns out to be his myopic attempt to see the football game on the flat screen behind you.

2. You answer your phone, hear an intake of breath and upon your inquiry as to who it is your paramour tentatively says, “Babe? Heyyyy, I was just thinking about…youuuuu,” with exactly all of those pauses and inflections.

3. Whenever you’re not in the room, upon reentering said room he seems to be scrambling to hide a piece of paper which you find later and it sports the heading, “Reasons to Stay in the Relationship,” “Reasons to Leave the Relationship”…and relationship is spelled wrong.

4. When your birthday rolls around he says, “Wow! That’s already here again?! How about if I give you the money and you get exactly what you want?”

5. When planning a romantic date it always involves a) dinner at his favorite restaurant b) flowers from the local supermarket and c) An intimate encounter at the end of the night that culminates in a minority happy ending.

6. He calls, hangs out with, talks about, thinks about or brings up his mother more than he calls, hangs out with, talks about, thinks about or brings up you.

7. After a social engagement he is able to describe what every female in the room was wearing, with admirable detail, while he has trouble verbally recovering from his wrong answer to your question, “What color are my eyes?”

8. When you start talking his eyes drift to anywhere else and when questioned about it he goes on the defensive, saying why can’t he just be who he is, followed by a tragic story about his wandering eye and how he was teased about it as a kid.

9. He begins a conversation with, “Let’s deal with some things…” and ends it with, “So, we’re good?”

10. You receive a text that shares more information than he is able to share in person and when you comment upon that fact, he says, “I can be more open when I’m not looking at you.”

11. He has defriended you on facebook, but claims it’s a glitch in the system.

12. When other people know you’re breaking up before you know you’re breaking up. (This one may be attributed to my teenaged daughter.)

13. He goes off line the moment you go on, but claims that’s not the case, but that it’s a glitch in the system.

14. His facebook status is “single,” though you know for a fact it said, “in a relationship” when he was with his last girlfriend.

15. You realize he hasn’t initiated any contact in weeks and you entertain the notion that the only reason he’s still seeing you is because you’ve got the flat screen television featured in number 1 above.

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