Wednesday, January 20, 2010

RE: The "Not Not" Weekly List...This Week as Applied to Fitness

January 20, 2010

The Weekly "Not Not" List

I love lists, don’t you? The power that surges through you as you check-off each nagging task, more odious than the one that preceded it. Brightly colored pieces of paper in your wake with “To Do” things written on them like, buy cat food, go to the bank, be positive. Everything from menial tasks to mantras of inspiration are reflected on those tributes to our busy lives.

In a nod to my love of lists I will be instituting weekly “Not Not” lists which term is also amusing to me because of my many years as an educator and student dealing with test questions that begin with, “Which of the following answers do not best describe…” Those drove me crazy with their lack of directness, but luckily the “Not Not” lists amuse me, with the added bonus of being able to use the “Not Not” phrase whenever you’re speaking with people also. For instance, if someone you don’t like asks how you are, obviously not caring about the response, you can cleverly respond by saying, “It’s not that I’m not doing fine…” They go away scratching their head and you’ve somehow accomplished something. (It’s certainly not that you’re not accomplishing anything!)

This week’s installment is in honor of the month of January – the “Oh, God, why am I not more fit and wasn’t this last year’s resolution” month.

Ten Reasons to Not Not Be Fit

1. Avoiding that inevitable, “Oh, no I’m not stuck in the chair, I’ve just got a kink in my leg” comment when trying to escape the student chair during parent-teacher conferences;

2. Not having to assert that you’re big-boned and from hardy stock when you’re 5’2,” can’t do one pull-up and are still having “Red Rover” flashbacks from childhood because you couldn’t make it over, even when you were beckoned to come on over;

3. Refraining from making excuses for your “does not play well with others” metabolism;

4. Squeaking furniture will no longer sound accusatory;

5. No longer will comments about your pretty face and great personality hearken up the painful, however apt, metaphor of the “elephant in the livingroom” which makes you hear Ringling Brothers circus theme music in your head;

6. Driving up hills won’t wear you out;

7. You can postpone the improvement of your personality, instead drafting off of the fact that your fit body now classifies you as eye candy;

8. You will no longer need to generate fantastical stories like, “I’m in the witness protection program” to justify your NO PICTURES policy;

9. You’ll be able to quit saying, “This runs small,” even when you’re talking about jewelry;

10. When others say they need to get fit, you just smile, pick up a barbell and make a mental note to cross this one off your list.

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