Monday, April 5, 2010

Appliance Nags...taking the guesswork...and nagging...out of the home...humor...

April 5, 2010

Appliance Nags

These days the work has been taken out of that whole housewife nag thing by those #@$*& people at Maytag, as well as the makers of very fine coffee brewing systems, dryers and microwaves everywhere. It’s my birthright to be THE nag in my household and yet I find myself being usurped by non-sentient beings because my appliances nag me.

Heaven help me if I don’t grab something from the microwave within two seconds because I’ll be greeted by two sharp, admonishing blasts that threaten to force me into early Depends wearing. And the dryer? If I don’t get the clothes out of there on the double, it will buzz at me and huffily whirl the clothes around until the fuzz comes home.

My coffee pot has a nagging tendency to produce two double staccato huffing noises if I don’t pick-up my just-brewed joe in record time. I can almost hear it yelling, “Order Up!” as I blearily hop to it and retrieve my java.

This all reminds me of that commercial where the lady is “slaving” over a cool spatula to produce Rice Krispie treats for her family and it’s actually so easy that she has to fling flour and water on her face to make it look as though she’s slaved over hot marshmallows all day. (Did you ever wonder why she didn’t end up with paste on her face? Flour and water. That’s how we made paste in our day and, in fact, I may hold the world’s record for the earliest grounding, as at the tender age of five I proudly flour and water-pasted everything I owned on my bedroom wall, showing mommy my artwork AND my proclivity to make a product that would adhere to anything.)

Though I’m irritated by my appliances they have made my job easier, so I have time to do more and I’ve adopted ways to make it look more time-consuming than it is, much like the Rice Krispie lady. For instance, take hot chocolate. I make it seem as though preparing it is tantamount to knitting an afghan in one sitting when it’s so easy now, you just rip open the envelope – some even boast the requisite marshmallows – and add water. I am a bit disturbed by the fact that whenever I do perform some sort of task for my family I seem to be finishing up by emitting a “Beep, beep!” sound to let them know I’m finished.

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