Tuesday, March 23, 2010

How to Look Beautiful AND Younger (humor)...on a budget, no less...

March 23, 2010

How to Get Beauty on the Cheap Without Becoming a Beast

This is classic. I don’t know how I get onto these things. Okay, yes, on this one I do. I was minding my own business, heading off to my yahoo email account when I saw the “Look Younger on a Budget” article title on the yahoo listing and I could not NOT take a look at this list. I will provide you with what this very serious person came up with, followed by my very own version of how to look younger on a budget. If you’re in the mood for a not-so-serious take on beauty on a budget, then you may want to skip ahead to my version, but first Prevention magazine’s version:

10 Ways to Look Younger on a Budget
Liz Vaccariello, Editor-in-Chief, PREVENTION, on Fri Mar 12, 2010 11:15am PST

1. Pump Up Hair's Volume
Switch to mousse.

2. Restore Your Locks' Luster
Give yourself a weekly hot-oil treatment.

3. Reduce Redness
Soak a clean washcloth in cold milk and place it over your face for 10 minutes.

4. Banish Brown Spots
Dab concealer that's one or two shades lighter than your foundation onto the spot.

5. Get a Healthy Glow
Replace your makeup wisely. "Switching from powder formulas to creamier ones gives your skin a soft reflective sheen," says Kimara Ahnert, a makeup artist in New York City.

6. Plump Thin Lips
Think pink. Choose a lipstick that mimics the color of your lips when you were younger.

7. Brighten Your Smile
Brushing with a paste made of baking soda and water a few times a month removes superficial staining and whitens teeth by a shade or two.

8. Minimize Undereye Circles
Caffeinate your eyes. Tea bags can perk up tired-looking eyes. Soak tea bags in hot water for a minute before plunging them into ice water for a few seconds. Lie down and apply them directly to your eyes for 15 minutes.

9. Smooth Imperfections
Keep makeup outside the lines. To be sure there's no excess makeup to settle into—and emphasize—the fine lines around your eyes and mouth.

10. Give Eyes a Lift
Curl lashes correctly. When lashes are clean and dry (wet ones won't hold a curl), position the curler at the root of lashes and give three firm, gentle pumps. Release and repeat.

Diane’s 10 Ways to Enjoy Beauty on a Non-Beastly Budget

1. Lighting, lighting, lighting
Make sure there is little to no lighting wherever you are and you will find you are able to subtract a good decade or two just by virtue of lack of wattage.

2. Hang out with people who are much older than you are and not so well-preserved.
This serves as a nice comparison tool that can offer the added bonus of unofficially electing you as honorary “spring chicken” which people are always saying you're not anymore. You can now beg to differ.

3. Borrow a friend’s toddler and run errands.
I find that when we are keeping company with the “wee ones” (and, no, I’m not talking about leprechauns) people might figure it’s our very own example of the 1% differential often listed in birth control effectiveness and we have ourselves a mid-life baby. Now, granted, this can really backfire as people may say, “Oh, how cute, you’re spending time with your GRANDbaby, but, again, go to number one, and for god’s sake, stay out of the sunlight, hanging out in low-lit stores.

4. While you’re cooking and utilizing that olive oil that’s supposed to be so great for your health, literally spread the wealth.
Why not use that extra half a dollop on your face, killing the proverbial two birds with one stone? I just want to caution you that a byproduct of this as that you may look as though your kitchen ministrations have created "Profusive Sweat Disorder," but we’re talking budgetary constraints here, so it's well worth being socially ostracized.

5. Throw away your magnifying mirror.
Let’s be honest. Who needs that kind of perfection? You’ll add valuable time to your morning schedule, just by virtue of subtracting out the close “plucking” work that comes with owning one of these instruments of the devil. Additionally, you’ll feel younger because our self-image memories are stuck somewhere around the time that Robin Williams was more well-known for being “Mork” and a talented stand-up comedienne, than for his multiple rehab stays.

6. Have a blender day where you throw in everything organic you can think of in order to come up with concoctions for your hair, eyes, knees and face.
The standard fare would, of course, include cucumbers, avocados and strawberries, but those fruit acids are great at burning off what ails you, so be creative! A word of caution though. Be careful that you don’t grab the fish bowl. Move it out of the proximity…just in case. Frenzied blending leads to more kitchen accidents than are reported.

7. DON’T cut your hair, even though the damned hairdresser keeps saying you should because you’re “older.”
Just because your beautician cut her hair short years ago and, as is her occupational hazard, can’t seem to let it grow more than three weeks running, doesn’t mean she needs to make you miserable with such a limiting viewpoint. Grow it long baby and shout out the lyrics to that fine, clothing-free musical “Hair,” while you’re at it. “Gimme a head with hair. Long beautiful hair…”

8. Use ice for your cocktails and your face.
Press an ice cube on your face for as long as you can stand it because it provides a temporary Botox effect, in addition to providing you with a gateway into your personal cryogenic program.

9. Brush your teeth with baking soda for its natural whitening abilities.
While you're at it with the pearly whites, why not mix some up for internal consumption and suck it down in order to take care of the indigestion that comes with thinking about ageing?

10. Eat less.
There’s nothing like a lean and mean person to provide the illusion of a youthful edge like we possessed back when we were raging the machine and feeling as though we couldn’t trust anyone YOUNGER than thirty

No comments:

Post a Comment