Monday, March 29, 2010

Humorous List of Made-Up Inventions That Were Never Meant to Be...jesting about product recall...

March 29, 2010

Product Recall – the Back Story…all in jest

There’s no doubt about it, there are plenty of products that have never made it beyond test marketing,into the mainstream and for good reason. While many of these products are probably items we’re really missing out on, I’m guessing most ended up just where they needed to end up – in the copyright office vault, under lock, key, -ground.

I decided to come up with my own list of products that never made it onto any shelf, showroom, or stockpile. These, of course, are all in jest, erupting from my brain as one of my little “What if,” scenarios that I seem to come up with as often as I do ways to make things harder for myself.

The funny thing about making this kind of list is that it started out amusingly and then something odd happened on my way to the computer; the products began to make perfect sense and looked as though I should secure a patent for a few.

Fortunately, I pinched myself – hard – which was a sufficiently painful reminder that brought me to my senses. Once again, I was making more work for myself and I really have no desire to be an inventor, of any kind, unless I invent more excuses as to why I’m blogging instead of doing the mile-piled laundry.

Humorous List of Inventions That Were Never Meant to Be...
These are ALL made up by "yours truly" and are my brainchildren.

1. Chair for single living.
: As a sole practitioner of life this is a chair that talks to you, offering up different settings for your differing communication needs. Whether you need a motivational cheerleader, empathetic counselor, compassionate friend, or drill sergeant, this chair will give you what you need, at the press of a button, with your changing emotional whims in mind.
Problem: If this chair had made it out into the open market, there would be no need to invent people anymore.

2. Salsa-flavored milk.
Explanation: The theory behind this product was to counteract the effects of accumulated heat while preserving the requisite desired kick of the salsa.
Problem: The lab tried countless fillers, coloring agents, and bulking ingredients to get this product to just plain look better, less gloppy and regurgitated, to no avail.

3. Liver-infused donuts.
Explanation: Market research showed that each end of the age continuum, young to old, enjoy the tasty treat that is the magnificent donut. Couple that with the fact that both ends of the spectrum are iron-deficient, never getting enough veggies due to poor diet, forgetfulness, lack of desire, and this seemed to be a winner.
Problem: They’re liver-infused donuts. Without lying, that is a tough sell and while lying was discussed, the underlying taste of liver could not be fried out of those donuts, no matter how much canola oil was plumbed from the depths of the Canola Sea.

4. Cheese-flavored Rolaids.
Explanation: Not everyone is a fruit person and few people over the age of 5 are chalk eaters, so it seemed logical to pick-up on the passion that is cheese eating by consumers and flavor an old favorite with the product.
Problem: As it turns out, most people only like cheese in, on, or around their food, not their antacids, gum, or other helpful, training-to-be-medication products.

5. Luggage with a built-in chair.
Explanation: This proved to be a popular item in test groups and the product was ready to launch when a terrible sitting accident occurred. It seems that one of the elderly members of the very last focus group decided to perch on the luggage in a “hands free” manner, misunderstanding that it was a chair, not a Johnny chair, if ya know what I mean. (See yesterday's blog, "Do you know what I mean?")
Problem: Patents and lawsuits are still pending.

6. Disposable running shorts.
Explanation: Of course runners are very active people who go through running shorts about as often as they go through running shoes. NASA was involved in the manufacturing of material that would be strong, disposable, yet comfortable. Or as one scientist said, “Yeah, right!”
Problem: Alas, many runners sweat profusely and this wreaked havoc with the replication of test results when finetuning the miracle fabric design. Additionally, not all runners are created equally, therefore, a host of problems ensued when runners were polled as to styles that would be offered or as one runner so succinctly put it, “Our shorts can have style?”

7. No-Luv.
Explanation: No-Luv is a medication which renders a broken romance, not just a distant memory, but a "no memory," acting as a reverse Sodium Pentothal drug.
Problem: I personally don’t see any problems whatsoever, but those crabby ACLU people did, as well as some humanitarian groups and non-profits like L.O.V.E.L.O.R.N. were all up in arms, if not in someone else’s arms.

8. Estrogen-laced chocolate.
Explanation: It was thought that this food of choice for many women could really pack a punch if it was infused with those crazy female hormones that are intrinsic in our XX make-up, making us women to be reckoned with...or else.
Problem: Silly men. This is a repetitive product! Women have long known about the medicinal properties of chocolate. There is no need to enhance an already perfect supplement.

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